Yes, I am posting this on Christmas and it’s not even slightly about Christmas. Happy Holidays etc.
And yes, I am well aware the title sounds like a 2004 Fall Out Boy song. Mentally I never left the 00’s. I’m an Elder Emo, my heart belongs to Reading & Leeds 2006 etc etc.
Today kids, we’re talking about depression and authorial voice.
Not authorial vice, which in my case is too many Malteser’s and drinking Bailey’s without taking a Lactaid. Who suffers? Me. Yet I still do it.
Depression is a funny thing. And for me it’s apparently ‘life long’ and ‘incurable’. But I can keep it in check with anti-depressants and anti-anxiety tablets. Sometimes my anxiety trumps my depression and I’m very frustrated I can’t go out an enjoy life without having a panic attack. Sometimes my depression trumps my anxiety and there’s no point to anything, so I don’t care what happens even if I could go out.
It’s a wonderful thing mental health. Or lack of it.
Anyway, for me, my depression is a boomerang. This isn’t a metaphor I thought up cleverly one evening as I sat writing in my study to beat back the demons. No, this is in a song lyric by the incredible Kayleigh Goldsworthy, in a song about an ex-boyfriend:
Just when I let you go
Just when I’m feeling free
Then you come out of nowhere
Back to me
And it’s a cycle I can’t ever leave
Boomerang, it’s still going.
Our country-emo queen Kayleigh writes quite a few songs like this – about one thing, but I always find another meaning for myself.
And this gets me wondering – do lyricists mind if we take a lyric and apply a different context or meaning to it? I mean, obviously here the Boomerang is Kayleigh’s dumbass ex who is unworthy and trash. But my boomerang is my depression. It leaves me long enough for me to think I’m finally ‘cured’ or ‘better’ and then it thunks me on the back of the head and I’m left blinking back tears on the floor, not sure how I got there.
If this sounds overly personal and familiar – that’s because it’s my authorial voice – my style, my tone of writing. I’m honest, I’m friendly, but also kind of distant, more like I’m yelling at no-one in particular at a cocktail party whilst all the other guests are too polite to leave or argue with me.
It’s not an aggressive yelling, it’s just the music is too loud and I’ve misread the room. I think it’s a meet and greet, but i’ve accidentally stumbled into a wake, leaving my audience confused, bemused and slightly amused.
At least, this is how I interpret my style/voice. I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently – my course is demanding we ‘work on creating’ our unique voice. Whatever that means. In my case it’s never going to be formal or intelligent. My saving grace here is that my authorial voice is genuine and honest. It’s not a facade created for my writing that I must carefully maintain. Whilst it is crafted and honed, the awkward, amusing style comes naturally.
I’m hoping my voice will appeal to my readers; my style, my work. I hope I find people who enjoy pulling their own meanings from my work as much a I have with Boomerang. But even if I don’t, I’m happy with the meaning I myself have given my work.
And here is where I ask you to tell me what you think about my authorial voice – am I right in my self-perception? Or am I not as funny as I think I am? And what about yours? If your a writer, what is your voice like? Tell me – I’m nosy.
LF Mills - author 