Awesome & Autistic: Say More! Say Less!

I am often quite an overwhelming presence – according to other people.

Described as ‘a lot’, or ‘too much’ and ‘oh God, does she ever shut up?!’- this is just some of the more polite feedback shared about me behind my back. Also occasionally to my face. Which is worse? I don’t know!

But did you know that as a child I was extremely shy and took a long time to ‘warm up’ to others, surprise! It was autism!

And now, after years of peer-pressure and ‘moulding’ and masking and effort, I am told that I am too much. And you know what? I am.

I can be too chatty, too honest, overshare too much and overstep too many boundaries. All of this I was told was better than being quiet. This isn’t true. And the fact I was told this and then believed it, is another example of neurotypical people saying one thing and meaning another.

So these days, after a few years of awful social interactions and deciding I no longer want to show my honest vulnerability, I’m unlearning being open. This isn’t a punishment to myself or others – it’s simply a step to protect myself and hopefully, make myself more palatable in small scale social situations.

This means re-learning to hold my tongue. Keeping quiet when I have a fun remark or interesting anecdote isn’t the hard part. It’s reminding myself that the reason I’m not contributing these things is because the joy of saying them is outweighed by the negative experience I then face as I alienate others and in turn, am alienated.

Not to say that keeping my mouth shut is easy. It’s not. I love to join in. I have knowledge I want to share, and insights I think will bring others joy – but so often I am wrong, that it’s become problematic. I struggle making friends when I’m quiet – I’m weird, I’m aloof, I’m difficult. And I struggle making friends when I’m loud – I’m obnoxious, I’m self-centred, and I’m still weird.

Maybe the issue is I want to be friends with everyone, I want everyone to like me!

And a lot of neurotypical people don’t set out to make friends with everyone they meet! They already have friends (lucky) and so meeting someone who is essentially a weird, over excited adult, is probably not on their ‘ideal friend’ check list.

So to better protect myself, and my happiness, I have decided to try ‘toning down’ my output. I know this won’t make me more likable to others, in fact I’ll probably be labelled the rude, aloof one again. But I think it will save me energy and happiness for myself. I won’t be wasting my excitement and engagement on those who don’t want or deserve it. And I may make smaller social interactions more successful. By coming across more level-headed and ‘normal’.

I’m essentially masking for my own well being. Is this bad? Yes, of course, in many ways it is. But can it also be beneficial? Yes. I need to network well in much of my life. And I want to build an understanding with myself that not everyone wants to be my friend. And that’s ok. because not everyone deserves to be my friend.

I’m awesome. I’m autistic. And I can’t please everyone. So from now on, I’m just going to try and please myself.

That came out wrong.